Posted by NoleCC

I’m looking at YOU this week Statistics. That’s right, I just used your FULL NAME LIKE AN ANGRY PARENT. Your self righteous, “I’m always right” attitude has finally ticked me off enough to work you in to an OTW. Seriously, what’s up with you lately? You contradict yourself. You use circular logic to make your arguments. You claim you are “fact” when in reality you’re only most likely. Are you on drugs? Did fame go to your head? You’re just like a meteorologist. You never fully give us the answer, just a kind of sorta, cover your ass answer.

Let’s take a look at some of your points about the 2009 season, Stats.

Statistically speaking:

• South Florida is the #17 offensive team in the country. According to you Stats, that makes them better than Boise State, Oklahoma and Mississippi amongst others.
• But wait, Houston is the #1 team in the nation according to ANOTHER story you’re giving me Stats. That story is based on scoring, so now you’re telling me Houston is better than everybody.
• Or maybe it’s Arizona State? #1 in Team Defense. I mean, defense wins championships, so obviously the Sun Devils are better than Houston and USF. Right?

I remember back before you hit the big time, Stats. I remember when you were a simple person, back when we were friends. Those were the days before the geeks were chique, before fantasy football ruled average joes lives and before you concerned yourself with such oddites as what running back plays better on Field Turf, West of the Mississippi River, after 6:42pm (GMT), having had chicken for dinner, without a cold in the last 36 days, with family in Nebraska, in a white jersey, with double knotted shoe laces and after listening the MSI’s “Two Hookers and an 8 Ball.” The obsession, quite frankly is sick. You’ve gone from a decent person, to some sick attempt at being a real life McLovin’.

Stats, I need to move on from this negativity. You can’t commit to anything. You’re friends with everyone and no one at the same time. You twist everything around to make things say whatever is convenient for your argument. Your lies change with each breath. So I’m out, I’m done and I’m gone. I’ll wait for the day when you’re ready to talk about the simple things again, Stats. When you’re ready to talk wins and losses again, and not your Hollywood-fame-went-to-your-head mumbo jumbo, I’ll be all ears.

Until then, 97.8% of you, Stats, sucks.