Posted by NoleCC

By Marita Kristoph

Now that I go to Dr. Do-you-want-to-die, and my ass is shrinking, my family decides to add a ticket and move our seats in the stadium. You may appreciate that for numerous seasons and prior to The South Beach Diet, I could have used a little extra room on the bleachers. Two out of three of us in the family have the big butt syndrome. Two of us purchased the seat cushions to help pad and protect our butts from the cold aluminum or the wet metal. It’s amazing how the extra flesh provides no additional comfort. Perhaps that is why it is called the Spread and then it is spread too thin. There are three of us but now we need to allow for a fourth. We keep hoping to increase our family by any means possible including ticket enticement. What could be more perfect than an additional female football enthusiast to even out the odds in my family girls vs. boys? Speaking truthfully, my husband and I are not able to attend all of the home games because he recently changed jobs and moved down on the priority list for time off. According to my son, the brains of the family, selling three seats or selling one extra seat does not fly at Doak. Processing this request is more challenging than you might think. I have learned from the instructions provided with the season ticket renewal forms that changing seats is not like Musical Chairs where speed and agility can give you an edge. Remember your Booster donations (point system) and your letter writing ability all come into play and prayer might have the greatest result.

Speaking of flying, is there anyone else who is spooked by the overhead flights with the trailing messages? What happened to the no flight zones? First, the messages are so brief that they are usually boring. Second, where are these small planes supposed to land if the engines fail? Third, who is investigating the pilots of these planes in light of 911? Hello! So many people and national coverage! If they were larger planes, I’d express an interest in a No Flush Zone. I always worry about that frozen debris that sometimes reportedly hits homes and when investigated it turns out to be the failure of the flushing mechanisms on planes.
P.S. I do enjoy the Air Force flights in patriotic tribute. I know that they are more dangerous and closer to the stadium and need to be more precise but the pilots have top security clearance and are also well trained and practiced in the maneuvers.

Okay, I’m a considerable distance from childhood, but why cotton candy at football games? Cotton candy is a staple at carnivals, fundraising festivals and city zoos. It is my experience that all of the usual gourmet delights sold at football games to the adults like cola, hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza, nachos, boiled peanuts etc. will fill the kiddies just as well. Take a good look at the kids eating this sticky substance after about 10 minutes. Then watch the parents trying desperately to clean the kid up by spitting on tissues and wiping the faces and hands of their beloved children. Now, I can hear the complaints about taking the joy out of family outings. How about adding the moist towelette to the cost and adding them to all purchases? Come to think about it, licking the mustard off your fingers etc. is just one step up from spitting on tissues. One moist towelette beats out numerous cheap paper napkins every time!

I have one other comment about refreshments at the games. Is it too much to ask for Diet Caffeine-free Cola? At one particular game, I had a young boy next to me who needed extra attention. I was fine with his questions and enjoyed the afternoon game next to him, more than some pushy adults that I’ve experienced. The child’s mother drove me crazy when she constantly apologized for his alleged ADHD syndrome. What amazed me is the size of the caffeine sodas that she gladly gave him during the course of the afternoon and then she worried about his increased activity. SHE WAS NOT BLONDE! What was her excuse? I know that Sprite or 7UP are caffeine-free but loaded with sugar that both adults with big butts and children that are hyperactive should avoid.